Unless it is something specific to the Extreme, I am running an Apex version and have the RAM clocked at 4000 CL14 using manual timings. If you are using XMP, maybe try using manual mode instead (if you haven't already). Mine will work with XMP, but the system performs better with manual timings and voltage. Using XMP or manual settings, you may need to increase the voltage a little bit. Try 1.360V to 1.400V.
I am not using a bunch of other manual settings for the CPU. The voltage settings for everything except the memory are left on auto.
Wraith // EVGA Z690 Dark K|NGP|N | 13900K | RTX 4090 Suprim | 32GB DDR5 Hynix A-DIE @8200 | SuperNOVA 1600 P2 | HC-500A Chiller | MO-RA3 360 || DG-86
Banshee // ROG Z690 Apex | 13900KF | RTX 3090 K|INGP|N | 32GB DDR5 Hynix A-DIE @ 6800 | Corsair RM122x SHIFT | XT-45 NOVA || 5000D Airflow
Half-Breed // Precision 17 7720 | 7920HQ (BGA filth) | Quadro P5000 16GB (MXM) | 32GB DDR4 || Grade A Off-Lease Refurb