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Thread: Sharing Laughs

  1. #1211
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    A pregnant woman boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: William’s Stick Did The Trick. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident

  2. #1212
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    Click image for larger version. 

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  3. #1213
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    A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
    "We're taking United," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
    "United?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
    "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
    "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
    "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
    A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
    "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful Flight Attendant who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra charge!"
    "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
    "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
    "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
    "He said, 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?'"

  4. #1214
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    CEO
    Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said. Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

  5. #1215
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    A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday,
    my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.
    The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age.
    I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

    The man says "You have a deal Doc."

    Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

    The doctor says "What happened"?

    The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"

  6. #1216
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    Abstinence

    Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
    The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple were newlyweds.

    The minister said that they would have to go without SEX for 2 weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

    Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
    The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
    The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
    The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the "Can of PAINT".

    "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

    "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

    The minister just shook his head. "You are not welcome in my church".

    "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Bunnings Paint Dept either."
    We owe our existence to the scum of the earth, Cyanobacteria

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  7. #1217
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    Hunting gets you Killed

    A group of Roo shooters in the Outback, when one of them falls to the ground.
    He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
    One of the other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
    He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Don't panic, Just take it easy. I can help.
    First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, he's dead. Now what?"
    We owe our existence to the scum of the earth, Cyanobacteria

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  8. #1218
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    LOL. Doesn't he know you have to double-tap to be sure?
    * Support disease research with Folding@Home *

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  9. #1219
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    Quote Originally Posted by xeromist View Post
    LOL. Doesn't he know you have to double-tap to be sure?
    Best movie ever XD
    Say hi to the next generation.

    Peace is a lie, there is only Passion
    Through passion, I gain strength
    Through strength, I gain victory
    Through victory, my chains are broken
    The Republic of Gamers shall free me

  10. #1220
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    What the Government stands for.

    For homework that night, class was asked to find out from their parents what the Government stood for.
    On arriving home that day, Johnny went to his dad and asks: "Dad, What does the government stand for?"

    His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way Johnny, I'm the President, your Mom is Congress, our Maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

    ''I still don't get it'' responded Johnny.

    Dad says:''Why don't you sleep on it Johnny? Maybe you'll understand it better,''

    In the middle of the night, Johnny was awakened by his baby brother crying.
    He went to his baby brother's crib and found he had taken a crap in his diaper.

    He then went to his parent's room to get help.
    Looking into his parent's bedroom through the keyhole to see if they were asleep, He sees his Mom snoring loudly but his Dad wasn't there.
    He then goes to the maid's bedroom.
    Looking through the keyhole, he sees his dad having sex with the maid.
    Johnny was so surprised, but then realized something and thinking aloud shouts,

    "AH!! Now I understand what the government is all about", exclaims Johnny.

    The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
    We owe our existence to the scum of the earth, Cyanobacteria

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