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Thread: Sharing Laughs

  1. #841
    ROG Guru: Yellow Belt Array tadhp's Avatar
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    Two men from Oklahoma were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger... She gasped and gagged, and one Okie turned to the other and said,

    "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
    He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Okie hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
    Gasping, she shook her head no.
    He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
    Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
    With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
    The Okie sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver
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  2. #842
    ROG Guru: Diamond Belt Array Zka17's Avatar
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    LOL, tadhp!

  3. #843
    AntiMatter Guru ROG Array chrsplmr's Avatar
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    A cowboy swaggered into a saloon and ordered 'whiskey, goodSir'.
    He looked up and noticed a sign hanging over the mirror.
    "100 Gold Coins to the Man that can make my Horse Laugh"
    The cowboy thought about it a minute and sauntered over to the
    horse and whispered in his ear. The horse fell to the floor laughing.
    The cowboy held his hand out to the barkeep to be paid, finished his
    whiskey and left.
    A year later the same cowboy once again swaggered into the Saloon.
    As he ordered up his whiskey he noticed a new sign had taken the
    old signs place.
    "100 Gold Coins to the Man that can make my Horse Cry".
    The cowboy once again sauntered over to the horse.
    After a moment the horse began crying hysterically.
    The cowboy walked to the barkeep once again with his hand
    out for his reward.
    The barkeep said, "First you Have to tell me how you did this."
    The cowboy said, "Last year I told the horse I was 'bigger' than he was,
    and this year I showed him."

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Two monks were walking along a roaring stream when they saw on the
    other side a woman to afraid to cross.
    Without hesitation the first monk crossed the stream and carried the
    woman to the other side rejoining the second monk and continuing their
    journey.
    The second monk said to the first, "Brother, I can not believe you did that."
    The first asked, "Did what?"
    "Carried that woman across the stream, we have vowed never to know the
    touch of womanly flesh," he replied.
    The first monk answered, "Ahhh .. The transgression is not that I carried
    the woman, but that you are still carrying her."

    Not laughing?
    Whatever your burdens, set them down where you are and continue
    your journey. Take a smile with you.c.
    Last edited by chrsplmr; 05-04-2013 at 09:47 PM.

  4. #844
    ROG Court Jester Array Nackers's Avatar
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    Their good one's chris. Really like the monks


    A bloke walks into a pub with a monkey, sits down and orders a drink, his monkey sits down next him. after about 5 minutes the monkey jumps onto the bar and starts run up and down knocking drinks over then jumps onto the pool table and swallows a pool ball, The barman says "you and your monkey get out of here and don't come back with that monkey",, A couple weeks later the bloke comes back with his monkey sits at the bar and orders a drink. the barman says "hey didn't i tell you not to bring that monkey back here", the bloke says "hey mate I been training him up a bit he's a lot better behaved now",, "ok then" the barman says "but the first sign of trouble you're out of here.. The bloke has his drink and the monkey sits there nice and quiet for about 10 minutes then jumps onto the bar runs up and down knocks drinks over then picks up a cherry out of a girls drink puts it in his backside then eats it, the barman asks "what's the go with that?" "well" the bloke says "ever since he swallowed that pool ball he tests everything for size before he eats it"
    Last edited by Nackers; 04-28-2013 at 01:51 PM.

  5. #845
    ROG AirWays Captain Array TenBlade's Avatar
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    Ha ha! Smart monkey, actually...

  6. #846
    ROG Court Jester Array Nackers's Avatar
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    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

  7. #847
    New ROGer Array Zygomorphic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TenBlade View Post
    Ha ha! Smart monkey, actually...
    Yes. Billiard ball probably gave him an attack of constipation something fierce!
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    We now have 178 people whose systems will not break! Yippee!
    LINUX Users, we have a group!
    http://rog.asus.com/forum/group.php?groupid=23

  8. #848
    AntiMatter Guru ROG Array chrsplmr's Avatar
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    On reports of lewd activity @ a truck stop a young officer happened upon a truck
    with a door open that seem to be attracting a small crowd.
    Upon closer inspection he saw a couple justa go'in at wild style and ordered them
    out of the truck.
    In court the judge asked the first witness 'what did ya see?'
    he replied, 'i looked in, and they was a(smuck)'n ...
    the judge bang'd his gavel .. hey hey, you cant say that word in here, $10 contempt of court.
    the judge asked the second witness, 'what did you see?'
    'well your honor', he replied, ' i look'd in and they was a(smuck)'n.'''
    bang, bang, bang .. slammed the gavel, 'ya c*nt say that word in my court, $10 contempt of court.
    The judge asked the third witness, 'Boy, what did you see?'
    'Well Sir, I saw 10 toes up and 10 toes down , i saw two butts go'n round and round,
    I saw 6inches out and 6inches in .. and if that aint a(smuck)'n then heres My Ten.'
    Last edited by chrsplmr; 05-04-2013 at 10:02 PM.

  9. #849
    ROG Court Jester Array Nackers's Avatar
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    ROTFLMAO Chris...

    Interesting Crow Mortality Rate Study

    They just recently found over 200 dead crows near Halifax N.S., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

    A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

    The Province of Nova Scotia hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

    His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah..Cah", but he could not say "Truck." Now you know!

  10. #850
    AntiMatter Guru ROG Array chrsplmr's Avatar
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    hahah ..
    see now if that was in America .. the same study would have cost $2.3 Billion Dollars and would have
    conclusively determined that Republican policies from the Bush Administration were responsible and
    that taxes would immediately have to be raised.
    Additionally a ban would be placed on all assault trucks no matter how safe the driver and all school administrators
    would be given across the board raises to balance the deficiencies and discriminatory practices brought
    to bare only on today's crows, completely ignoring the sheep.
    Further illustrating the overwhelming need for Universal Crow Care and gay unions.
    Later it would be determined that all of these deaths were due to the sequester and a class action suit will
    be brought against House Republicans for not replacing the cuts with additional tax [excuse me.revenue] increases.
    Last edited by chrsplmr; 05-04-2013 at 10:06 PM.

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