Got it sorted!
So utterly obvious to a non-noob like me but here are the steps I took to get WiFi up and running on my Asus ROG Zenith Extreme Alpha x399.
1) Update Windows 10
If you're like me and think you already did this, check again. I though I already did. I had only "checked" for updates. All the progress bars weren't the software updating, but just downloading the updates. You then have to click them again. Duh.
2) Reboot back to BIOS and turn WiFi back on. (the assumption here is that you have disabled WiFi in BIOS to either install Windows 10 and or to run Windows 10.)
3) Once in BIOS, hit F7 then F8 and click on your Windows 10 boot drive to boot up Windows 10. I was able to boot into Windows 10 with no BSOD after these steps.
4) Go here and download the WiFi driver
https://www.asus.com/us/Motherboards/ROG-ZENITH-EXTREME/HelpDesk_Download/5) Go to the little window icon in the lower left of you screen, click it and then click the little page icon. In there you'll find downloads. In Downloads you'll find the zipped driver you just downloaded. After you unzip it you'll end up with a folder in downloads with about 50 things in it that made no sense to me. I just found the one who's type was "Application" and double clicked it and went through the steps to install the driver.
6) You're done! That simple!
7) Just kidding. Now spend the next half hour trying to figure out what the blazing hell you just did and why you still don't have WiFi on your computer.
😎 Call in your wife and if she's like mine, she'll do this for you:
9) Search for "Device" in the search bar at the lower left of your screen.
10) Twirl the arrow next to "Network adapters" and right click on everything in that list and choose "update driver"
11) Restart Windows.
12) Click the little window icon on lower left and then the little cog icon for settings. Click on Network & Internet. You'll now have a WiFi option in the list on the left. Click it. Make sure the switch under Wi-Fi is on. Click "Show available networks". Chose yours and punch in your password.
I have no idea if this is the most efficient, correct or even repeatable process one should use, I just wanted to share it on the interwebs somewhere in the event that some poor incredibly PC illiterate soul like me ever searches google with "Windows 10 how to get WiFi Up and Running on ROG Asus Zenith Extreme Alpha x399". It'll probably never happen but if it does, I hope this helps.