The Textorcist's possessed enemies are no match for righteous typing skills and ROG keyboards
I have never been the last player standing in a round of Fortnite. My plays in Overwatch rarely, if ever, get nominated for the Play of the Game. I’ve never even taken the crown in Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout. But I have my pride as a gamer. I know where my talents lie. I’ve spent decades honing my skills in one genre, and I’ll pit them against anyone, anytime.
I’m talking about typing games. Mavis Beacon? I taught her a thing or two. The Typing of the Dead? More like The Typing of the Dead That Got Owned by My God-Tier WPM. And Type Racer? Bring it on!
Image source: Gamesplanet
Now I have a new arena for my skills. It’s The Textorcist: The Story of Ray Bibbia. I say with no exaggeration that this is the #1 all-time bullet hell RPG typing game ever created. Okay, it might be the only bullet hell RPG typing game ever created, but that doesn’t diminish its achievement. It mashes up gameplay elements from those genres into an unforgettable concoction that’s as challenging as it is satisfying. You play as Ray Bibbia, a disaffected priest living in a city ruled by a corrupted church. A series of suspicious demonic possessions start him on a journey to confront ultimate evil.
Ray is a hard-nosed customer who’s as quick with his fists as he is with his sarcastic one-liners, but his true skills lie in the field of exorcism. To wrest demonic spirits from their hosts, Ray has to speak holy words from his book. Correctly type out all the words in a sentence, and Ray will fire a holy bullet, or “hollet,” at the possessed.
I learned quickly that demons won’t just sit around and wait politely for me to find the right keys. Enemies launch a near-constant barrage of bullets, explosions, pea-soup colored puke, and demonic energy as I type out the words of power. If Ray gets hit, his Bible gets knocked to the floor and I have to pick it up before I can continue typing. If Ray continues to get hit while his holy book is on the floor, he’ll lose hearts and eventually die.
Image source: Gamesplanet
Battles are frantic, high-energy confrontations fueled by a fantastic soundtrack, so the story elements between bouts are welcome breaks for my fingers. I can’t get enough of Ray’s verbal sparring with the likes of callous parents, strip club bouncers, and Satanic metal bands. The Textorcist is full of outrageous puns, tough-guy banter that would make the Avengers proud, and ridiculous callbacks to classic '80s and '90s gaming. I take particular joy in conducting research on a faux MS-DOS PC using the search engine “Godle.”
Abjure Satan and his minions with the best ROG gear
You might be sitting there thinking that The Textorcist doesn’t sound too hard. You do just fine tapping out emails on your smartphone. You text with the best of them. And you’ve been dodging two-dimensional attacks from video game monsters since that three-headed dragon in The Legend of Zelda first spat a fireball in your direction.
This game breaks such preconceived notions in an awful hurry. I have a lengthy gaming resume and typing skills that I’m not too humble to brag about, but even I wasn’t prepared for The Textorcist. As it turns out, tapping out holy phrases while dodging a lethal stream of artillery isn’t as easy as walking and chewing gum. Thankfully, I had some ROG hardware on hand to give me an assist.
The ROG Strix Flare plugged into my desktop rig is already a battle-hardened veteran, but this full-size board really proves its worth in The Textorcist. The typing feel is pure luxury. Mine has Cherry MX Blues, which have a nice tactile bump and a satisfying clicky sound. Since the switches actuate at the midpoint of the key travel, I don’t have to bottom out the keys every time I press one. This saves my fingers from the pain of repetitive impact. The Flare is available with a variety of Cherry MX switches, so you can follow your own preferences on the typing feel of your keyboard.
I haven't just had fun typing away in The Textorcist on my desk. When I want to take the game elsewhere, I don't have to give up typing comfort. I have the ROG Zephyrus G14 at hand. Like the other laptops across the ROG lineup, it has a comfortable, desktop-inspired keyboard that feels like a second home for my fingers. Even though the G14 is a portable 14” laptop, its chiclet-style keys are sensibly laid out and generously spaced. What’s more, the ErgoLift hinge elevates the back of the laptop as I open the lid, raising the keyboard to a more typing natural angle. Even when lost souls are on the line, I get the accuracy and comfortable operation that I need.
The only righteous path to victory
Ready to help Ray send some demons back to hell through the power of your typing? Here’s a couple tips to get you started. The main challenge to The Textorcist—aside from the obvious need to type accurately and quickly—is to figure out how to dodge projectiles and type at the same time. The game lets you move Ray around the battlefield using either the arrow keys or the WASD block. But you also need the WASD keys to, you know, type the letters W, A, S, and D, so you have to hold down the Shift key to use those four buttons in order to move this way.
You might be thinking to yourself that you’ll just move with the arrow keys and then find safe moments to type out a few words while Ray stands still. This strategy will let you limp through the first couple levels, but it’s no good in the long term. You just can’t stand still long enough to win in most encounters. Equally foolish is the idea of doing all your typing with your left hand while moving Ray about with the arrow keys using your right hand. Unless you’re a god-tier one-handed typist who never needs to look at the keyboard, this is not the way.
The best strategy is to use the shift-combos with the WASD block to move Ray around. That felt awkward to me at first, but I realized after trying this out that I can type an awful lot of words without those four letters, so it’s easier to move and type simultaneously than I expected. Using those four letters took a little practice, but the strategy quickly started to pay off.
Image source: Gamesplanet
If you’re hungry for a new arena to showcase your superb keyboarding, don’t miss out on The Textorcist: The Story of Ray Bibbia. It’s immediately vaulted to the number-one spot in my list of typing games, and I say that with no disrespect to Mario Teaches Typing. This game isn’t just for the WPM one-percenters, though. Between its goofy puns, hard-boiled dialogue, infectious soundtrack, and glorious bullet-hell combat, The Textorcist just might give you the motivation you need to repent of your hunt-and-peck ways. So get out there, level up your skills, and help Ray cleanse Rome of demon infestation.
